'Lisha's inner most thoughts

i talked to tanya's cousin he asked me all of these questions i told the truth!! he went off and told tayna's mom who told tanya and now she hates me i don't feel like i should have to lie. i give everyone the benneifit of the doubt and now i get screwed over!!! tanya's mom is telling everyone that i start rumors because tanya won't fess up!!! it really pisses me off that i have to hide things. she says that i should have lied because if the love of MY life was bi she would lie. I'm so pissed!

i'm with him, he loves her, and hits on my brother's girl, the whore hit first now he's hooked, he does not have a halo, he has horns.

i ran acrossed you agian, you used to be my friend, i hit send, you said i sinned, and never to talk to you agian.

pain pulsating, pain persistant, pain permeating, pain poking, pain peircing, pain protection poofed places unknown.

you say you love me but you don't care, you say you love me but i'm unaware, you say you love me but you are never there, you say you love me but i'm scared, you say you love me but the love's not there!!

i've given in
this is the end
no love for me exists
i'm no longer going to resist
i'm alone
a stranger in my own home
everything is a cloud
lonley no matter the size of the crowd
don't touch me are his loving words
my vision has been blurred
if he only knew
what he put me through
he blames me for this pain
i really have no gain
he won't touch me
i am no longer free
watching move i make
he says its for safety's sake
i'll get hurt or even killed
for i am not in the least bit skilled
watches every dime i spend
one wrong move and he hounds me to no end
he says this is love
this is not what i dreamed of
he took everything away
i lost it all in one day
what love is this
having to beg for one meager kiss
in the end im his slave
he just wants me to behave
i should lose weight
he tells me who to hate
my green eyeliner is obsence
i should just cook and clean
he wonders why
all i do is cry
my idenity is ripped away
i have no say
he said i'm lucky society keeps me alive
he dragged me to glendive
the weak are food for the strong
outsiders should just conform and get along
he feeds this posion to my mind
that he hates "my kind"
i hate to admit
i'm an addict
i'm addicted to the abuse
it makes feel as though i have a use
i can't let him go
i try to let him know
i have been reduced
i have reclused
i know what i should do
i'll never be able to go through
with it
i'm shit

life is always more bitter than sweet
one nanosecond of pleasure becomes the ultimate treat
why does love feel like this
is it not supposed to be bliss
i am in a traped state
what is the difference between love and hate
a new guy
with a different lie
he says he loves me then denies it
he makes me feel like shit
he told me the way i was
and used to kiss me just because
but now he says i am ugly and fat
my self esteem is gone just like that
he wants me to conform
he thinks my lot in life is to proform
he tells me i am a freak
i say i know with a little shriek
he says it bad
that i don't listen to my dad
why can't i let him go
when my life is filled with woe
there is no hope
i can't cope

this is a letter to you ty

ty,
i have put up with your mixed messages and abuse for to long. i have loved you for three years but now i have removed all the pictures of you from my room and now i've moved on, i've moved on to a guy who won't use me, for sex, money, or all of the other things you've got from me over the years. i hope you lead a happy and fulfilling life without me. i stopped my minions from kicking your ass, and judging from the results of your last fight, they would have killed you. you have no right to play with my feelings the way you did. telling you wanted a girl exactly like me except hot, then kissing me and telling me you were high (i know you weren't high because you're so worried what mommy will think that you won't pick up a pipe!), but this is the final straw and you don't even have enough guts to breakup with me with your voice you had to do it with e-mail, you are a coward and you make me sick. i should of moved on years ago. almost four years of heartbreak wasn't worth your one night stand! no one will ever be nicer or more understanding than i have been. ty, i cared about you and all you did was hurt me. excuse me if i'm a little mad but it just seems like you never cared about me. you even told our teacher that i smoked pot, i trusted you and invited you to jessie's rave and that's how you repaid me! good luck finding someone who will worship you like i did. i'm done being you bitch and i'm done chasing you. i also want you to know that my new guy is a freak and not a poser/conformist like you. you get jelous when i talk to other guys but you want to be with other girls. that is not cool ty. have fun in your life without me and when i'm famous and helping take over the world you just see what you missed out on and you'll be sorry. but as i said i wish you all the luck and sucsess possible, and i hope one night of sex was worth losing the best friend a you could've had.

best wishes,

Alisha Marie Holland

folloing in the same path
despite the previous aftermath
over and over again
trusting those who betrayed me as friends
will it be the same old feeling
everyone is gone and i'm left reeling
caring hurts so much
am i out of touch
when i'm in need they scatter
i go home and contomplate my blood spatter
this pain is ongoing
and i continue knowing
how bad it is for me
to continue to be
used
and abused
but yet i come back
maybe it's common sense that i lack
hear i am trapped in this cage
it's like i can never quite turn the paige
on the book that is my life
it is filled with so much strife
why do i keep getting lured in
only for the same crap to happen
since when is being kind bad
why does it have to make me so sad
i want to break free
from the pain that is burning me

isn't triton cute???

we must dance on the graves of the republicans, and bathe in their blood as we laugh mainacly MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
hi tanya

everynight i go to bed
praying that i will soon be dead
the pain is too much to bare
i'm caught up in a snare
lie in bed and try to heal
and get yelled at for the pain i feel
or try to go on
and face another painful dawn
it hurts so bad i can barley move
there is nothing that can soothe
this ache that i feel
i fear the pain is all too real
they tell me to buck up
or yell because i'm just a fuck up
i did not choose this fate
or all the things i have on my plate
when i tell them i want my life to end
they threaten the six months i'll have to spend
if i don't get it right on the first try
if my body refuses to die
i sleep curled in a little ball
i hide under my blanket and bawl
no one understands
they all make their demands
i have no support
and my fuse is running short
my friends say they care
but when i need them they disapper into thin air
just let me die
becuase life is a lie
this sickness consumes me
as i lie here helplessly

so lonely without your touch
i didn't know i could miss someone so much
you are my everything
you have permeated my entire being
i feel so alone
if only i would have known
i would have never got so close
now i am left so morose
everything reminds me of you
i have never felt so blue
why did you have to go so far away
can't you come back even for one day
no touch can be that sweet
you made me feel complete
but now you are gone
i've become so withdrawn
i miss you so
how could i have let you go
i am all by myself
like your favorite toy left on a shelf
my life force is quickly draining
more and more with each smile i'm feigning
just one more kiss
would bring absolute bliss
but no
i stuck here in perpetual woe
my love for you will not die
for you are no ordinary guy
without you i have no soul
without you i am not whole
just a piece of the former me
scattered like dubris
come back
you are everything i lack

what is the point of this so called life
all of their words cut deeper than a knife
i sit in silent pain
while i go quietly insane
tears wash over my face
as i sit in my favorite place
no one understands
how can i live up to their demands
always alone
my troubles remain unknown
looking for salvation
serching for an explanation
let me die
let others wonder why
if they do not already know
they didn't know me let it be so
my young life so full of pain
all because i have a brain

how is worth judged? is it a matter of intelligence or is it beauty?

it seems too often in todays society that looks have an unexplanable influence on people. does the population as a whole actually think that subhumans who are "pretty" are actually desireable? i understand that looks are the first thing a person notices when first meeting a new human, but honestly just because a person fits the social sterotype of beauty they in no way deserve applause. if a person is a subhuman treat them like a subhuman(see jezibel_matheny 's lj for directions on dealing with these people)regardless of looks.